Sex In An RV
A Frank Discussion
Sex in an RV, for the most part, is pretty much the same as it is in an apartment or in a house, or a J.C. Penny, or a bagel shop. Penny’s is not quite as ideal as the other locations because there is nothing around to snack on afterwards.
The same stuff you find in 99% of American bedrooms you will find in virtually every RV bedroom. The pole, the trapeze , lubed lava lamps in assorted sizes and colors (battery operated, not 110v, for safety), fuzzy handcuffs, assorted whips and chains, a case or two of KY jelly, a nun’s outfit, a police uniform, clown shoes, edible underwear, a CD with Rocky’s theme and farm animal sounds. And last but not least, your DH (dwarf helper). Many couples, for one reason or another, travel without a DH but they sure come in handy when you have forgotten the safety word.
The biggest difference between the average RV bedroom and the average house bedroom is size. Since RV bedrooms are typically much smaller, it has always been a challenge to take just the basics (see list above) on the road with you.
Photo on the right: I have always believed that RV Beachbums were the sexiest people on earth. I wanted to prove my theory mathematically so I attempted to contact Steven Hawking, one of the world's greatest minds to help me. Not only is he a math genius, he is also considered a leading authority on ho's. Especially black ho's. Apparently, if you want to know something about a black ho, Steven is your man. Obviously, he was the guy I needed to talk to. Unfortunately I have not heard from him. I'm sure his ho's are keeping him busy.
In the nineties RV manufactures finally started addressing the needs of their customers by designing them to be more sex friendly. You started seeing innovations like hydraulic levelers with controls at the driver’s station and in the bedroom. If your RV doesn’t have controls in the bedroom, you have the cheapo version and you are really missing out.
With hydraulic levelers deployed the RV became much more stable. That was appreciated by the RVing community because it eliminated a lot of “RV bounce”. RVers no longer had to suffer the embarrassment of exiting the RV to find it had bounced clear into the neighbors space.
With controls in the bedroom the entire RV could now serve as a 30,000 pound sex aid. Put her on top and all he has to do is use one finger to push and pull the control levers. Instantly she will be riding like a State Fair bronco busting champion. If she is a good sport, you can kill two birds with one stone by turning on the sports channel. In the world of hydraulic love, the backhoe operator is king. A word of caution: Using the hydraulic system can quickly deplete your house batteries. Viagra is the number one deep cycle battery killer. If you’re not connected to shore power, always run your generator when taking Viagra.
RVs have become longer to accommodate sex acts where a running start is required. Show me a couple with a 45 foot RV and I’ll show you a couple of olympic-class sexathletes.
A major innovation was the slide-out. With the slide out, couples can get a much larger arc on the trapeze. That allows for more advanced acrobatics. Hence the term “circus sex”. Also, the additional space created by having slide-outs allows room for the DH (dwarf helper). Over time the name has morphed to “safety dwarf” and finally to just “safety”. Every modern RV manufacturer now understands the importance of safety. Everything they design and build is built with Safety in mind. If you don’t believe that, just call Tiffin, Winnebago, or Fleetwood and ask them.
If you own a Class C RV, and use the bunk space over the cab to have sex, I recommend three things:
1) Wear a helmet of some kind to prevent head injuries.
2) Drink lots of water before you begin having sex. Proper hydration helps prevent muscle cramps.
3) Wear shoes.
A friend of mine was making love to his wife in that space over the cab. Not only did he repeatedly hit his head on the ceiling and walls, but in an effort to find a workable position and get his toe out of his own ass, he got a major cramp in his leg. The leg locked up and jammed him tight into the small space. They were stuck up there, without so much as a snack, for 30 minutes. As luck would have it, he remembers very little of the ordeal as the head trauma he suffered affected his memory. Unfortunately, the one thing he remembers is having his toe up his own ass.
RV bedrooms can be very small. That puts cabinets, walls, the ceiling, and rails close at hand. You can use these as a way to get support or leverage. Also useful if you are out of shape, have bad knees, a bad back, a broken hip or some other sex related injury. Just be careful that in the heat of passion you don’t accidently open a cabinet and allow an iron to fall and hit her in the face. More than likely that would end the lovemaking right there. Unless, of course, the iron knocked her out.
Many Rvers don’t realize that the blinds in their RV are not light proof. If you don’t have proper blackout shades or curtains, it is possible that at night when you have a light on, folks on the outside can see your shadow perfectly. Whether you are picking your nose or making love, people will know. You don’t want to learn that you have been entertaining people with an adult shadow puppet show. This is so common the Bee Gees wrote a song about it…”Shadow Dancing”.
A common complaint RVers have is when other RVers run their generators all day and night. There is a reason that people do this. And it has nothing to do with electricity. Generators drown out the sound of the occupants having sex.
If a couple is running their gen set a lot it’s not because they are rude. It’s because they are better than you. They should be admired and held in awe. Instead of going over there to complain, and in the process interrupt epic love making, we should wait for the generator to stop and then go over with some nourishment and water. It’s a matter of love thy neighbor…and helping thy neighbor love thy neighbor.
A question I often get asked is, “Dan, does your sex life change when you’re on the road?” The answer is, not really. Just as you probably have 3 or 4 favorite sexual positions for when you are driving your car or riding your motorcycle, you will have your favorites while driving the RV. It can be a little more challenging in the RV since the seats are further apart.
The RV manufactures responded to this issue by equipping RVs with cruise control. Cruise control allows you to remove your feet from the pedals so you have more options sexually.
We’ve covered a lot so let us finish up with masturbation. Masturbation while driving (MWD) your RV is no different than when driving your car or riding your motorcycle. There is one advantage, you sit higher than most traffic so you get a little more privacy and fewer death threats.
Note: It is illegal to masturbate in California without a permit. It is illegal to masturbate in New York City without the Mayor’s permission.
